Cougar Love

By Darwin John Moises and Michelle Mendez-Palmares
Singlestalk

MICHELLE: Our word for the day is "cougar." I do not speak here of the animal-—the large, predatory feline, which is the second heaviest cat in the world next to the jaguar. For our purposes, cougar will refer to an older woman, usually in her late 30s or 40s, who sexually and actively pursues younger men.

It has been speculated that the origin of this term is the character of Mrs. Robinson in the 1967 movie The Graduate. Mrs. Robinson was an older woman who was romantically involved with a younger man. Why am I telling you this? A few days back, some women friends were talking how hard it was to find a guy their age to go out on dates with. I suggested that they consider dating younger men, which led to the discussion on cougars.

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DJ: To a certain extent, men within the range of 18-25 find it interesting to date older women. But situation changes once we cross that threshold.

That’s also when we start to prefer and date younger women. But seriously, age is just a number. As long she’s not a girlfriend to every musician ever to strum a guitar, and his demons are under control and not just in hiding, they’ll both be fine. The readiness level is even more important. If they’re both true, sincere and can remain faithful to each other, why the bother on the age difference? Unless if she’s 12 and he’s 50. Or she’s 40 and he’s 7. But that’s another story.

M: The term “cougar” has evolved to suggest something negative. It is associated to unattached/separated/divorced or career-driven, mature women who want to avoid the entanglements of a serious relationship. They are more often financially independent, enjoy feeling young or being carefree, and perhaps like the thought of turning the tables on the tradition of older men hooking up with or choosing trophy (read: younger) girlfriends.

Look at Ashton Kutcher who is involved with the much older Demi Moore.

Might it be that every man wants to be him and that every woman wants to be with someone like him? Maybe some guys have thought of getting involved with an older woman.

Good for you! But like any relationship, there are pros and cons.

The not-so-good news is that one cannot be 40 years old and single and not have a significant amount of baggage in the form of exes (ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands, ex-step-children) pending annulment, etc. There’s also something in this relationship that remains slightly taboo, unlike the other way around, where the man is much older than the woman, which is perfectly acceptable.

Like it or not, by getting involved with an older woman, a guy puts himself in a situation where people like his parents, friends or even his boss—will talk about it and maybe even frown upon him.

DJ: But love is said to the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Pascal once said the heart has its reasons which reason does not know. Let’s not stretch it too far, though. If there’s an age gap, what’s even more important is two people love each other, not in spite of, but because of the difference.

 We all come, not only in different age, but also in varying sizes and shapes.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. If two people can see perfectly through each other’s imperfections, then why potentially complicate things with concepts and ideas inspired by Demi or Ashton? No one is perfect unless we love. Love is finding strength in each other even in their weakness.

Preachy as it may sound but well-discerned personal actions, more than age, sets the overall pace of what can be a meaningful relationship.

M: One might ask: “Why would a young man want to date a much older woman?” Actually, younger men are said to have been attracted to older women for a long time; it’s just that today, these couples are no longer keeping it secret. Linda Franklin, author of Boomers Making a Difference, is out to rehabilitate the image of cougars.

She says, “Real cougars are women who are smart, capable, confident, fit, beautiful, sexy, accomplished and secure. The last thing they have time to do is go out late at night skulking after young men to pounce on. That image is just so ridiculous; it makes me laugh. Yes, it’s true, real cougar women are attracting younger men, but they are not doing the pursuing. They don’t have to.” That said; what’s an acceptable age difference in a relationship?

The “half-your-age-plus-seven rule” is supposedly the rule of thumb.

Mathematically speaking, let’s say one’s age is 50; take half of that, which is 25, and add seven, which is equal to 32.

This means that a 50-year-old should date someone no younger than 32 to avoid being considered a social deviant. Other than cougar, you may want to know some slang terms that describe pairings where one is much older than the other: Puma: a.k.a. young cougar, women usually in their 20s to early 30s.

BoyToy: A young boy or man who is in a relationship with an older woman.

Haguar: Refers to an unattractive older woman, usually upwards of 50, who is perpetually on the hunt for much younger men (think Madam Auring).

Merlin: Refers to an older man, usually in his 50s or 60s, who sexually pursues younger women. This originates from the aged wizard Merlin who fell in love with the much younger Nimue. Robbing the Cradle: A situation in which an older individual partners with a younger one. Robbing the Grave: Refers to the opposite situation, where the object of affection is an elderly person. Signs Of Herpes

DJ: Whew! Terms, concepts, ideas. I think what we only need to know is we are made for love and not necessarily to be completely understood. Being in a cool relationship has no exclusivity. Anyone can access it, regardless of how old or young we are. Some people think the groovy kind of love belongs to the young. Others think the lasting ones are usually with those with age. I’d rather think that great love stories belong to those who live it consciously. Someone once said, faith makes all things possible. Hope endures. But it is love that makes them easy.

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